needing is one thing (getting's another)
by belle parole
Summary: "It's my job. I'll protect you from any storms as long as we're alive." Leaning into Sirius' chest, Regulus closes his eyes. He knows, in his heart, that Sirius' sentiment is true. He can't ask for a better bigger brother. [for ana, slight trigger warning for depression]


_**for quidditch league [round 2, tutshill tornados, captain - write about a dark character needing comfort]**_

 _ **for assignment 12 [muggle studies, task 4, reptiles - write about someone who just wants to be loved]**_

 _for ana, because i used your headcanon of regulus and sirius curling up during thunderstorms_

 _lol i'm sorry_

 _thanks to audrey and vic for betaing!_

 _1287 words, by google docs_

* * *

 _10._

Sirius' door is closed. Regulus can't help but focus on the closed door and just wish it was opened. Over the course of this summer, Sirius has been spending less and less time outside of his room, instead holing himself up and not talking to anybody in his family.

Not talking to his parents is understandable, sure, but Regulus still wishes the _goddamn door was opened_.

Doesn't Sirius know that Regulus wanted to talk to him? Doesn't Sirius know that Regulus doesn't _care_ that Sirius is a Gryffindor?

All Regulus cares about is how Sirius is his brother.

All he wants is his big brother back.

…

 _11._

Regulus goes into Slytherin.

No one's really surprised about his Sorting. No, the feeling is more of _relief_. There's one wayward Black. Two is _way_ too many.

Still, Regulus sort of wishes he wasn't a Slytherin. All his cousins are in Slytherin. _All_ of them. It's slight overwhelming to be surrounded by all of them, all the time.

In fact, the only person who's related to Regulus that _isn't_ in Slytherin is Sirius. Sirius hasn't talked to Regulus _once_ since a simple 'goodbye' at the train station.

Except for a brief eye contact during Regulus' Sorting, Sirius hasn't made any effort to notice Regulus at all.

What did Regulus even do?

…

 _14._

Gone. Sirius is gone.

Regulus can hear the shouts coming from his parents. They've been like this more and more nowadays, usually because of Sirius.

There's a hole in Regulus' stomach, though, when he hears his mother tell his father — well, _shout_ at his father — that Sirius is gone.

What does that even mean? How can Sirius just be _gone?_

Regulus' mind immediately goes to the worst option — Sirius must be _dead_. That thought digs a pit in Regulus' stomach and makes him feel sick.

He tries to push it away, though, because Sirius can't be dead — his parents wouldn't be so mad about it. Sirius is just… _gone_.

When the yelling stops, Regulus sneaks out of his room, looking both ways for his parents. They're nowhere to be seen, so Regulus takes the steps up to Sirius' room and knocks on the door.

There's no response. Regulus knocks again.

Usually Sirius answers Regulus' knocks, no matter how annoyed the former is. They're brothers, first and foremost. Besides, Sirius should know that it's Regulus knocking; their parents wouldn't bother knocking.

When there's again no answer, Regulus calls Kreacher and asks him _where Sirius is_.

Kreacher says the same thing Regulus' parents were shouting about earlier — he's gone. Except Kreacher elaborates:

Sirius ran away.

The news forms a lump in Regulus' throat. It's hard to swallow.

Sirius ran away? That seems almost ridiculous.

At the same time, Regulus knew that if one of them were to run away, it would have been Sirius. Sirius _was_ the type to reject his family and leave everything behind.

Regulus hadn't wanted either of them to leave each other.

…

 _16._

Regulus' arm hurts.

It's not just physical pain, though that _is_ part of it.

Regulus' arm stings him, but it also makes his heart ache whenever he looks at it. He feels sick, as if he has an allergy to his arm.

Well, it's more of an allergy to the tattoo on his arm.

Sixteen is really too young for a tattoo, in Regulus' opinion. Yet here Regulus is, a tattoo of a skull and a snake emblazoned on his arm. It's _really_ painful.

If Sirius was here, what would he say?

Sirius would hate him, no doubt. Sirius had always hated their parents' ideals. He probably didn't always hate them, actually, but once he started to think for himself, he made it clear as to what he thought was right.

And, well, Regulus is scared that Sirius _is_ right.

What if what Regulus is following is wrong? What if it's all wrong?

It's too late for Regulus. That's the truth.

Tattoos are permanent. Regulus doesn't really know all of the workings of his tattoo — a _Death Eater tattoo_ — but he's pretty sure it's more permanent than a regular tattoo.

There's no getting rid of his arm.

…

 _17._

Regulus doesn't remember going into the bathroom.

Honestly, his entire week has been a blur. He can't seem to put his head on straight, no matter how many times he's tried.

Everything seems to be collapsing around him. Regulus knows that everything is fine, in truth. The only things collapsing are his opinions and his ideals.

Because Regulus isn't sure if they're right, and _that's_ scaring him to the marrow of his bones.

His parents are the people he always looks up to. Well, that's not true — Regulus had looked up to Sirius, too, except Regulus hasn't seen or talked to Sirius in nearly three years _._ How is he supposed to look up to someone he doesn't know anymore?

All Regulus really remembers about Sirius' ideals is that he thinks their parents are wrong.

So what is he supposed to do, then? How is he supposed to know what to think if he doesn't know what Sirius' ideals are, and he just knows, deep down, that his parents are wrong, that _he's_ wrong?

Regulus doesn't remember going into the bathroom, but he's in here now, and he's crying. He can see himself in the mirror, and tears are pouring down his face. He tries to wipe them away with his sleeve, but more keep on coming.

A pit of shame forms in his stomach and his arm still hurts.

Merlin. He feels so weak. Why can't he just figure out what's right?

What is he supposed to think?

Maybe he should just stop thinking about what Sirius' ideals are or what his parents think.

Maybe it's time to think for himself.

…

 _18._

Regulus knows where Sirius lives.

It's something he happened upon, really, but he's sure that he just saw Sirius walk into an apartment in Muggle London. Regulus has been around the area, collecting items he'll need for his one last mission, and he just _saw Sirius._

Regulus wants to talk to him, except what would he say?

Besides, Sirius will _hate_ him. Maybe if Sirius knew that Regulus was probably about to kill himself to fight _against_ the Dark Lord…?

No, Sirius will still hate him; Regulus has a Dark Mark.

There's a lot to hate.

At the same time, Regulus wants Sirius to help him with this. He wants Sirius to tell him that everything is going to be okay. He wants Sirius to tell him that he shouldn't go through with this at all.

He just wants Sirius to be his big brother again.

…

 _6._

 _It's thundering outside._

 _It's thundering and raining, and lightning flashes past Regulus' bedroom window, nearly scaring him to death._

 _Grabbing his blanket off of his bed, Regulus ventures into the hallway, walking up to Sirius' bedroom. He only has to knock once for Sirius to open the door._

" _I don't like the storm," he whispers, looking up into his older brother's eyes. Sirius, nearly two years Regulus' elder, looks down at him softly._

" _You can sleep in my room tonight," he offers. Regulus smiles at Sirius and walks in, climbing up onto Sirius' bed._

" _Thanks, Sirius," Regulus says, curling up into his blanket._

" _I'm your big brother," Sirius says, also climbing up onto the bed and wrapping Regulus in a hug. "It's my job. I'll protect you from any storms as long as we're alive."_

 _Leaning into Sirius' chest, Regulus closes his eyes. He knows, in his heart, that Sirius' sentiment is true._

 _He can't ask for a better bigger brother._


End file.
